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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.